Family Under Stress

Stress is something that comes to us all the time as we live our lives. But I think what matters most is how we decide to deal with that stress. The word that I am looking for is coping. We all handle situations differently. The way we decide to cope with our stress and the rest of our feelings for that matter are so important and influence our own, and others', lives significantly. Trials and hard times are bound to come to us all, but sometimes it feels that we are never prepared for them. Ya know, the last thing we expected to come up and tear apart our world. I can think of many times when this has happened to my family and I, but I would just like to focus on one scenario.
I would first like to say that I hold this really close to my heart. It is still such a sensitive subject to me, and especially others in my family, but there are still so many feelings that I think I would like to express about it. I am not sharing this experience to say that I have had it worse than you or to gain attention. Not one bit. I am simply sharing this to assess and understand the situation on a deeper level. To understand my thoughts and feelings more fully on this specific part of my life.
My sister was pregnant with a sweet baby boy. However, there were many complications with the pregnancy. Baby Russell wouldn't be able to live outside of the womb, give or take a few days. She was seven months along when his timid, special heart stopped. I still remember the text that I received during my senior year of high school informing me of this news. I was crushed, and I think a part of me still is. Baby Russell and I share a birthday, something that I am extremely grateful for because I am able to share something with him in this life. But I am also kind of sad because that day will remind me of all of the days I haven't been able to be with him. I can't even begin to fathom what it must be like for my sister. I miss him immensely, but I haven't even met him.
My coping mechanisms for this hardship were very much different compared to other deaths in my family that I had experienced. I think that I became very secluded and separate from my family. I felt torn apart, honestly. I didn't understand why God didn't let my sister have her baby in this life. I was frustrated and tired. I wanted so badly to hold Russell in my arms, to feel his warmth, and to feel that special love, that I have for my other nieces and nephews, for him. I didn't really express my feelings with others about the way I really felt. I am pretty sure I told people I was actually okay. It is a work in progress. It wasn't until today when I realized I am more in control of my feelings that I originally thought. For the past eight months, I have felt just a little bit of sadness and almost a little bit of jealousy when I have seen a new born baby. Thoughts would flow into my brain like, "Well if that teen mom gets to keep her baby, why can't my sister?" "If this baby gets to live in this world, why can't Russell James?" I would feel guilty for thinking that, but at the same time, I was still and almost am still frustrated. Today, however, I finally understood that I control how I feel. I am in control of many aspects of my life, so I can change the way I feel about this whole experience. I can choose to be happy. I can choose to be thankful that Russell gets to be in Heaven extra longer, and can help us on the other side of the veil. I can choose to feel gratitude for these new memories.
I am blessed greatly for the knowledge and the support I have of my Heavenly Father. I know that I would be able to get through this without Him and my Savior, Jesus Christ. I hope that we always are able to realize that the way we cope with hardships in our life effects us for the rest of our lives. It is so so important. Choose to get through it.  And choose to get through it happily.